My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
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“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Guys, I found it.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.