My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
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ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
That 👊
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.