My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
You Might Also Like
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.