Not really a humane solution in my opinion
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I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Hank is one in a melon.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.