@BradBroaddus: My wife and I found each other on a dating website.........3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
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@ValeeGrrl: Me: Ready for school? 7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost
@Classy_Cassy89: 45 min phone call w/8yo nephew: Aunt Cassy, there are 206 bones in the human body!Want me to name them?1.Cranium 2.Mandible 3.Scapula...
@Brampersandon_: WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith? MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly? *Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
@GrandadJFreeman: Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.