My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
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Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.