Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
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When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Mad Max: Furry Road
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods