I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
You Might Also Like
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would