My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
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You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.