My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
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“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
The news in a nutshell.
peep davidson
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.