@RickAaron: My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
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@NewDadNotes: [Titantic sinks] Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die? Rose: [door lock noise]
@JPHaddadio: When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
@UGotMeRight: The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You'd be surprised how many M&M's someone can swallow in their sleep.