My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
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People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates