My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
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I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …