My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
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why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee