@Henry_3k: My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
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@JohnMayer: Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
@JohnLyonTweets: So the waiter said "The plate is hot" and I said "I'll be the judge of that, haha." Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
@ScarletStoner: I look suspicious doing anything. You could walk in on me heating up a hot pocket and my face could look like I just murdered my family.