My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
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Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything