Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
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gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Pickled cat.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat