My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
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[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.