Bros before Ohioes
You Might Also Like
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.