[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
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Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.