Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
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no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
When you’ve simply given up.