My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
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The cake is mightier than the sword.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.