@amishschool: My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word "slimming", I explain to the other homeless people.
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@Reverend_Scott: [1st day as police officer] PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET'S ROLL! ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
@jwoodham: INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest strength? M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: [Removes mask to reveal that he was actually the interviewer the whole time]
@TheMichaelRock: If you hate yourself, just drink alcohol like an adult; there's no need to vote for Trump.