@amishschool: My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word "slimming", I explain to the other homeless people.
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@leechee420: Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let's take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
@ericsshadow: [answers phone during job interview] What's the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can't find me.
@WookieOnUnicorn: How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
@LackOfShame: 16: I hate old people. Me: That's where you and I are different. 16: You like old people?! Me: No, I hate everybody.