As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
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to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.