To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
You Might Also Like
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter