@OleThickHawk: My wife came into my room at the ER and started unplugging stuff and flipping switches until she realized that I had just sprained my ankle.
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@hipchkk: Packing my daughter's prom kit...lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I've uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
@Twits_Giggles: It's amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you're buying tampons.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama's a Muslim
@ErrenMichaels: *narrows my eyes at you suspiciously* *keeps narrowing them* *closes them entirely* [naps]