Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
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[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Oh the world we live in…
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder