my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
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Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
🔦🌙👣
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.