My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
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*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.