If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
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For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!