*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
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Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
So sick of all these stupid rules
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.