My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
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Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.