@DannyZuker: My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn't seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
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@Okeating: My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I've spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can't grow a beard.
@Home_Halfway: If a bear approaches you, give up and let him eat you. He's adorable and humans are overpopulated, take one for the team
@Ygrene: [Murderer in the middle of murdering me] Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I'm murdering you I mean really