@DannyZuker: My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn't seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
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@Ideal_Victoria: Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
@toastymoe: One of my co-workers just called the elevator a "vator". Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call...
@SteveSuckington: "Why did u jump off that bridge?" My friend did it too "Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?" Yes. I literally just said that
@Tylerosis: What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we're not around?