@Juicedballs: My wife dared me to yell out "HURRY UP HAYDEN" at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
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@david8hughes: [describing criminal to sketch artist] No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
@voldemortsbicep: *in bed* Him: what's your fantasy, baby? Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold Him: No, like sexual Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
@Hect0rMayorga: They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion "The true grease stain remover"