@simoncholland: My wife didn't post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
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@david8hughes: [board meeting] "So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?" "I call it the 'Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower'." "Uh no."
@CatherineLMK: "Damnit!" -a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.