@simoncholland: My wife didn't post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
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@alispagnola: Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you're better off staying home with no pants on.
@Cuntypants: Sorry I yelled "SURPRISE!" when you caught me in bed with your husband. I was unaware that you don't like surprises.
@WhatsHerFace33: A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed! Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.