@simoncholland: My wife didn't post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
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@DaveTheAlbino: There's absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
@kyry5: [first day on the job as a drug dealer] *giggles* "We don't have coke, is Pepsi ok?" *gets stabbed*
@hazelmotes1: Me: my best friend is my wife Everyone: awwww My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE