@simoncholland: My wife didn't post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
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@onedumbshark: When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn't know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.
@SteveSuckington: How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
@hippieswordfish: ME: im nervous GIRLFRIEND: dont be M: what are some of his interests GF: he likes football [later] GF'S DAD: nice to meet u M: *tackles him*