@simoncholland: My wife didn't post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
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@TysonMarie: If you really think about it. Its kind of weird "yoga pants" are worn so much. That's like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries
@HumorParasite: Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
@heidi420x: Her: how are you Me: good Her: you sure? Me: yup Her: you're alright? Me: yes.. Her: really? Me: Her: are y-- Me: people like you go missing
@kellyoxford: 7yr old "Do women get their periods on weekends too?" Me "Yes" 7yr old mutters to herself "Jesus Christ"