Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
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Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
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Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I drew y’all a little something.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.