@FunnyCauseImFat: My wife fell asleep during American Idol, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself "I run this house"
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@whalesmells: me: so did it hurt? her: yes, a lot me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye? her: I SAID YES
@TeaPainUSA: If Trump wins the presidency, you know who's gonna be the most excited about buildin' a Southern border fence? Canada.
@lawyerthoughts: *throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*