My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
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My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try