My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
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The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I鈥檓 not a table*
I don鈥檛 always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it鈥檚 while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can鈥檛 be the only person that鈥檚 refused to be weighed.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh鈥o i鈥檓 just a terrible hot dog salesman
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…馃悤馃惥馃槄
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn鈥檛)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I鈥檓 just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G鈥檔ight. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he鈥檚 going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok