My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
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nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*