@Cheeseboy22: My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M's for dinner. I was like, "You saw the banana, right?"
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@DaHess1: Hey you with the Uggs, Michael Kors bag, iPhone, scarf and super excited voice.. *70 million white women turn around*
@donni: Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
@Twtercide: 911: What is your emergency? Me: Fire 911: Riley, is that you? Me:.... 911: Listen carefully, that firefighter asked to be transferred.