My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
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I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”