My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
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My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Sharon, call the vet
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms