@Brianhopecomedy: My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, "You're good to go, woman!" and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
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@birbigs: if aliens show up and they're nice, we'll take them captive. and if they're mean, they'll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.
@ElleOhHell: UNCLE: Officers weren't even safe from their own men in Vietnam. ME: I've just decided it's too hard to zoom in on any more dogs' noses.
@3sunzzz: Who is that walking up my driveway?! Anxiety in 3...2...1... [knock, knock] *sigh* "WAIT A SECOND!" *mumbles* "I need to find pants."