@Brianhopecomedy: My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, "You're good to go, woman!" and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
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@mrsmith196645: I've concluded English is my phone's second language. It's the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
@chuuew: I'm not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he's just eaten a candy cane.
@Reverend_Scott: [sees cute girl jog by] "Imma run up and ask her out" [one block later still not caught up] "Ok, wow, we probably weren't soul mates anyway"