Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.