@awesomeseank: My wife has her period so I suggested swimming, beach volleyball and a horseback ride. She told me to piss off. Commercials are misleading.
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@ReelQuinn: I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team.
@rolldiggity: Why crush your kid's imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy "doesn't exist" when you can just have her leave a suicide note?
@robfee: Just downloaded the Lana Del Rey emoticon pack: Sad :| Happy :| Scared :| Excited :| Surprised :| Giving birth ;|
@JasonLastname: If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won't get another chance like this.