@awesomeseank: My wife has her period so I suggested swimming, beach volleyball and a horseback ride. She told me to piss off. Commercials are misleading.
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@JonnyStallone: Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
@TheAlexNevil: Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn't understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
@fart: Q: Where is the safest place to be during an earthquake? A: a hot air balloon #JonsSafetyTips #Safety #safetyTip #EarthquakeSafetyFacts
@dafloydsta: INTERVIEWER: How would you define yourself? ME: *don't let her know you're a delicious chocolate cake* Moist