My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
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If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting