@WheelTod: My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
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@iQuoteComedy: Research shows that in 100% of cases, when someone says "Oh no she didn't!", she in fact, did.
@KeetPotato: nurse: "if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half" me: [visibly confused] wife: "the grapes keith not the baby"
@ewfeez: Whenever a guy named Stephen tries to tell me what to do I shout, "you're not my real hen!" and run away
@MisterBombay: If I were a fashion designer I wouldn't spend any money on advertising but rather pay old people to wear my competitor's clothing