My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
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Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.