My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
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Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.