Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
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Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
😆this is so true
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.