My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
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Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Beware…..
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Hello, my name is Pierre.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?