My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
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1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?