My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
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I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway