@ShrinkMedia: My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
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@XplodingUnicorn: My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh. I figured she couldn't do any harm if she couldn't open it. She threw it at her sister's head.
@JasonLastname: *approaches drive-thru window on a camel* "Sir, here's your 17 big macs and a large milkshake." May I please have a straw? *camel collapses*
@skullpuppy11: The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me.
@JKNenagh: I often worry about the safety of my children ... Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.