My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
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I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
screw you
shit just got real
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse