@ShrinkMedia: My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
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@david8hughes: [first day as a negotiator] Me: release one hostage Terrorist: no Me: release half of one hostage
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Did you use my highlighter? 2-year-old: Me: 2: Me: 2: No. Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
@MiddleageM: This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face... <--Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned