My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
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I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder