My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
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Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers