@alfageeek: My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn't make the cut this year.
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@thetigersez: Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I'm good-looking, so I'm, like, nah.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [first date] HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware? ME: [filling container] The sign says 'All You Can Eat', it doesn't specify when