My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
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5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.