My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
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My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
We’ve all been there
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
the only organized thing in my life is crime
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
This bar smells like my childhood.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem